Last summer (2018) I was in a state of turmoil. I retired in January after 35 years of 50-60-hour work weeks. I had finished organizing the basement (shredding paystubs from 1984), renovating the gardens (ripping out overgrown bushes) and was fighting the urge to take the easy way forward and just go back to a corporate job. I did the ‘what do I love doing’ exercise and concluded that the work activity I received the most satisfaction from was managing and mentoring staff. After considering different roles that would allow me to gain similar satisfaction, I decided it was time to pursue Executive Coaching, recognizing it is different from managing and mentoring, but believing it would be an evolution leveraging my past experience. I enrolled in the Rutgers ICF certification program and started educating myself on various techniques while waiting for the class to start.
I also decided to get involved with Youth Soccer. Soccer ticked a couple of boxes; involvement with community, engagement with a sport I loved, opportunity to be outside and get exercise. Having played in college and watched my kids play team sports for 12 years, I figured refereeing would be easy and fulfilling. I passed the online test and field certification in October, which left time to only ref one game before the Fall ’18 season ended. It was way more difficult than I expected. Feeling defeated, I decided to suck it up and appreciate that we can’t always be perfect at new things the first time we do them. Spring 2019 arrived. It rained 5 out of the 7 Sundays. I bought a lot of waterproof gear. I gained confidence and skill as the season progressed, but for some reason I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I anticipated. Fall arrived. I decided to give it another go. The weather was beautiful, I wasn’t getting yelled at (as much) by parents or coaches, and yet I found myself questioning whether I should get re-certified for 2020.
Funny thing is I wasn’t ‘feeling it’ but didn’t know why. I decided to play ‘coach’ with myself and ask provocative questions. My ICF training told me that the answer could be found within me, I just needed to pick up the right rock. Then it came to me. When I thought about my values, the one that has always been dominant is the love of being on a team. When you referee, especially U10 where you are the only referee, you are not part of the team. I kept wanting to help coach the kids, but that would be seen as a conflict. There was one team where the coaches had no clue how to instruct the defense. I had to keep quiet, it was not my role as I needed to be totally impartial and not help one team over another. Then I had a ‘connect the dots moment’ and l realized I hated being on the ‘outside’ of the team. I had a similar feeling while a Management Consultant at EY. As a consultant, I was on the ‘outside’ of the client team (the discontent that led me to join MS).
This is why Values coaching is so important. Before one embarks on an activity, there should be a sanity check that is in line with your values. Yes, refereeing ticked some of the boxes (giving back), but not ‘being part of a team’ which is a critical value for me. I also realized that to be fulfilled as a Leadership Coach, I need to be ‘on the team’ with my clients to feel fulfilled. This should not be a problem. Without realizing the importance to me, whenever I met with a new client, I told them ‘I am on your team’. I say that to assure the client that our conversations are about ‘them’ and ‘their goals’, and so it is critical that they guide the engagement. I wasn’t thinking that being part of the client’s team would be really important for my fulfillment also, but now I appreciate how important that is and will continue to be.
All that said, I decided to get re-certified and continue to referee. Now that I know what is missing, I have a different perspective, and will hopefully enjoy it for the values it does fulfill.